![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
For all my unemployed friends
Oct. 26th, 2009 09:34 amcourtesy of ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
evilredmenace
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am interested in obtaining a position of employment with your company. I realize I can no longer support my habit of fondling myself in the nude and watching back to back episodes of House on hulu, as my unemployment insurance has run out, and I enjoy eating things that are currently unexpired.
I hope you have low expectations. I certainly do. From what I have glanced at by arbitrarily googling your company, it looks like you have a fondness for smiling, happy employees with frat boy haircuts and douchey smiles. This normally wouldn't bother me, but I have a mind to ask for hazard pay, as douchebaggery tends to spread, and $10 an hour simply won't cut it.
And while we're on the subject of money, kudos to you for enlisting the best. It really takes a great deal of moist, sweaty ballsack to require a college degree, three years of "relevant" experience, and a WPM of 80 for a position that a mentally defective kitten could do. And to offer a non-living wage is fucking brilliant. All the more reason for me to work hard, be slobberingly dependent, and not complain. And don't offer benefits or vacation. How about a coffee stained mug full of paperclips, and a "casual Friday" attire that should offset my need to feel empowered by this non-union-represented position.
I'd like to hope for an interview from you, as I can showcase my ability to look conforming and obedient. But I'm told that interviews now require "thank you letters," in their aftermath, and, quite frankly, I'd rather thank vultures for being awesome.
Yours
-Jessica
evilredmenaceDear Sir or Madam,
I am interested in obtaining a position of employment with your company. I realize I can no longer support my habit of fondling myself in the nude and watching back to back episodes of House on hulu, as my unemployment insurance has run out, and I enjoy eating things that are currently unexpired.
I hope you have low expectations. I certainly do. From what I have glanced at by arbitrarily googling your company, it looks like you have a fondness for smiling, happy employees with frat boy haircuts and douchey smiles. This normally wouldn't bother me, but I have a mind to ask for hazard pay, as douchebaggery tends to spread, and $10 an hour simply won't cut it.
And while we're on the subject of money, kudos to you for enlisting the best. It really takes a great deal of moist, sweaty ballsack to require a college degree, three years of "relevant" experience, and a WPM of 80 for a position that a mentally defective kitten could do. And to offer a non-living wage is fucking brilliant. All the more reason for me to work hard, be slobberingly dependent, and not complain. And don't offer benefits or vacation. How about a coffee stained mug full of paperclips, and a "casual Friday" attire that should offset my need to feel empowered by this non-union-represented position.
I'd like to hope for an interview from you, as I can showcase my ability to look conforming and obedient. But I'm told that interviews now require "thank you letters," in their aftermath, and, quite frankly, I'd rather thank vultures for being awesome.
Yours
-Jessica
