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very fragile
Jul. 29th, 2011 09:44 amThe stress and grief of Pepper's final illness and death have thrown my underlying depression/anxiety disorders spiraling out of control.
I have had to seek medical support for the anxiety symptoms and have been mostly unable to eat or sleep all week. I've been getting by on diet shakes and gatorade with the occasional cracker because my stomach is so upset. I will find myself pacing, shivering, or pouring sweat at intervals, with racing pulse and body temps zinging up and down.
I am under a doctor's care, because although I dislike the idea of "drugging myself to cope" the fact of the matter is that I have to be able to function to some level, and begin to build up my reserves to some semblance of balance before I can even begin to grieve.
Company the first night was for frantic sobbing and household help - getting me over the hardest hump of beginning to sort/toss/donate her things. Lisa, chris, kathy, and fred came to my rescue. Mags and Tonya and Lisa and Pen and my Cheezfriends - I would be catatonic at this point without you.
Now I mostly need distraction - reasons not to spend all the time at home moping. People to poke me to remind me to try and eat. Even company for laundry! Anyone local who has room for a slightly broken companion for a few hours, for whatever you are already planning to do. Please.
I know that I have a tendency to push people away - to have lots of "friends" but all of them at one remove, so to speak. I think I realize where that comes from now, and I intend to try and work on that soon. But now I have to ask that people forgive that tendency in my and reach out to me when I really need it. You don't have to "entertain" me - we can watch a vid, or talk movies, or go shopping or something. I have netflix streaming and a crazy amount of stuff on various Roku channels, or I can tag along with whatever you are doing.
I have that attitude of "I'm strong enough to do this alone", so there is also a bit of guilt in there for bother people. It's very hard for me to reach out for help like this.
Please help me.
My phone numbers (which are already on the net in several places so don't worry) are 773-304-8972 and 312-590-8051
I have had to seek medical support for the anxiety symptoms and have been mostly unable to eat or sleep all week. I've been getting by on diet shakes and gatorade with the occasional cracker because my stomach is so upset. I will find myself pacing, shivering, or pouring sweat at intervals, with racing pulse and body temps zinging up and down.
I am under a doctor's care, because although I dislike the idea of "drugging myself to cope" the fact of the matter is that I have to be able to function to some level, and begin to build up my reserves to some semblance of balance before I can even begin to grieve.
Company the first night was for frantic sobbing and household help - getting me over the hardest hump of beginning to sort/toss/donate her things. Lisa, chris, kathy, and fred came to my rescue. Mags and Tonya and Lisa and Pen and my Cheezfriends - I would be catatonic at this point without you.
Now I mostly need distraction - reasons not to spend all the time at home moping. People to poke me to remind me to try and eat. Even company for laundry! Anyone local who has room for a slightly broken companion for a few hours, for whatever you are already planning to do. Please.
I know that I have a tendency to push people away - to have lots of "friends" but all of them at one remove, so to speak. I think I realize where that comes from now, and I intend to try and work on that soon. But now I have to ask that people forgive that tendency in my and reach out to me when I really need it. You don't have to "entertain" me - we can watch a vid, or talk movies, or go shopping or something. I have netflix streaming and a crazy amount of stuff on various Roku channels, or I can tag along with whatever you are doing.
I have that attitude of "I'm strong enough to do this alone", so there is also a bit of guilt in there for bother people. It's very hard for me to reach out for help like this.
Please help me.
My phone numbers (which are already on the net in several places so don't worry) are 773-304-8972 and 312-590-8051
