After Katelyn died, I was at the memorial at CRF for her... And then six months later, when another brief memorial was held at GARF, Joe and I did a miniature Danse Macabre in her honor... It had to be done.
This year, we'll be doing the MS Walk again as we usually do, and I won't be in a position to actually *walk* that far by then, so I'm going to see about setting up a rest stop in Lori's honor. I wish I could do more. Because of timing, I'm not going to make it to GARF this year to do so for her... So it may need to wait until MDRF, but there will be dancing by the dead this year.
There've unfortunately been a number of losses in my life that I barely make mention of publically... Because people don't understand. People expect you to get over it, and get over it within two weeks. If you're still upset when more than two weeks has gone by, you're just oversensitive as far as they're concerned.
In the past, it was considered normal to have a year of mourning after a spouse passed on. There are family members who are close to you who mean a lot (that's both blood family and family of choice), and people expect that you are going to get over it now and that's that. "When are you going to get over that and move on with your life?" You know what? Grieving *IS* "getting over that". It's dealing with it instead of burying it so it pops out as something inappropriate later.
This last year has unfortunately dealt more death to people around me than I have ever had to deal with in my life... And people will put up with it temporarily, and then ask you when you're going to get on with things. We each deal with grief in our own way, and there is no linear chart to it. Anniversaries of a death, reminders, all of them will serve to bring grief back up to the surface for a little while... And the rest of the world should actually learn to deal with it rather than smother it.
I hate to say this, but when I was down at my parents' house for Christmas and told them Lori had died, my father's form of condolences was to say that when he knew someone who died, he tried to be happy for the fact that he was still alive. Well thanks, Dad. No "I'm sorry for your loss", just a "well, try and be happy." That's not how it works, at least not for me. I need to find something constructive to do with the grief, not just bury it and smile.
I wish I could have been there. Thank you for being there.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2011-01-26 05:56 pm (UTC)This year, we'll be doing the MS Walk again as we usually do, and I won't be in a position to actually *walk* that far by then, so I'm going to see about setting up a rest stop in Lori's honor. I wish I could do more. Because of timing, I'm not going to make it to GARF this year to do so for her... So it may need to wait until MDRF, but there will be dancing by the dead this year.
There've unfortunately been a number of losses in my life that I barely make mention of publically... Because people don't understand. People expect you to get over it, and get over it within two weeks. If you're still upset when more than two weeks has gone by, you're just oversensitive as far as they're concerned.
In the past, it was considered normal to have a year of mourning after a spouse passed on. There are family members who are close to you who mean a lot (that's both blood family and family of choice), and people expect that you are going to get over it now and that's that. "When are you going to get over that and move on with your life?" You know what? Grieving *IS* "getting over that". It's dealing with it instead of burying it so it pops out as something inappropriate later.
This last year has unfortunately dealt more death to people around me than I have ever had to deal with in my life... And people will put up with it temporarily, and then ask you when you're going to get on with things. We each deal with grief in our own way, and there is no linear chart to it. Anniversaries of a death, reminders, all of them will serve to bring grief back up to the surface for a little while... And the rest of the world should actually learn to deal with it rather than smother it.
I hate to say this, but when I was down at my parents' house for Christmas and told them Lori had died, my father's form of condolences was to say that when he knew someone who died, he tried to be happy for the fact that he was still alive. Well thanks, Dad. No "I'm sorry for your loss", just a "well, try and be happy." That's not how it works, at least not for me. I need to find something constructive to do with the grief, not just bury it and smile.
I wish I could have been there. Thank you for being there.