It can also be darned hard to say the word "died" when you're still actively morning. When your brain and heart are still so hurt and wishing they could deny what is, every time you have to say "died" it can be like being punched in the gut with it all over again. Though I'm not a fan of "passed away" either... it's no better when it comes to loss.
For me, the stories have helped the most... and knowing that others are there, even if I have no desire to lean on them. I tend to be one of those who feel theneed to be there for others before dealing with it myself (which is one reason I didn't like my awful timing for stuff I had commitment to and the DH being out of town, etc this month... even more than missing knowing Allie was around, even if "over there", I wanted to be where other friends could use an ear, etc.).
At my grandfather's viewing, I refused to get close enough to the coffin to see him, because I *knew* that not only wasn't it "him" anymore, he didn't look like him, and I didn't want that memory. Listening to stories, memories, and opinions previously known and unknown were what I wanted... more of him to hold on to, now that he wasn't there. I also had two adorable kids who I was very aware had the most important job of "grief relief" for the relatives... oldest blood great-grandkids, even though there were others of the heart who were older and around. Meant I got to hear even more stories, while the kids kept me busy, and gave sad relatives a reason to smile.
My mom's death was worked through similarly... though between shock (death from cancer two months after an "all clear of cancer diagnosis and celebration" sucks), and the sleep deprivation and adenaline stress of the job, grieving was a *long* process on and off... only *really* sank in over a year later when I no longer had the work-related "stuff" separating me from "real life" going on.
I've been to two wake-type events for people I didn't know nearly as well as I wish I had, and treasure the fact that I learned more about the people I hadn't had the chance to know better because I had been too intimidated by their larger than life personalities until almost too late... but I also dealt with that loss by being there to lend an ear and/or shoulder to those who needed it more (oddly enough, including a fair number of people I didn't know... yeah, people tend to talk to me).
I think that more and more I tend to believe more that people are "still here" as long as one person is alive who can remember about them - not their name, but them... what they were like, connections and thoughts. My mom still has a great effect on many people who knew her when she was alive... her beliefs, actions and personality affect how others think and act even now.
Lori has a similar continued life in my head. She's one of the very few people who I've gotten to know "by mistake"... and I've *always* been glad that "mistake" happened. I haven't *ever* had a month go by when I first volunteered in schools, then worked, then volunteered, then worked in schools that I haven't thought of her at least once, outside of LJ/FB/Faire-stuff. She's one of those who is likely to come to mind every time something I associate with her comes to mind. *Especially* when I see certain lamps :-)
Another friend who died this year comes most to mind when I embroider, see certain pictures, or play with cotton yarn or granny squares.
Then again, the glass tends to be half full... memories of what was, far better than regrets for what can't/won't be. One you can do something with... the other, there's no changing, so what will be will be.. regret, certainly, but life goes on, and while the saying is right that "I'm richer for having had people in my life", their influence on me in one way or another lives on... even when they don't.... so I'm not poorer without them (unlike the saying) ... just with fewer opportunities for further enrichment...
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branchandroot
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Date: 2011-01-26 06:55 pm (UTC)For me, the stories have helped the most... and knowing that others are there, even if I have no desire to lean on them. I tend to be one of those who feel theneed to be there for others before dealing with it myself (which is one reason I didn't like my awful timing for stuff I had commitment to and the DH being out of town, etc this month... even more than missing knowing Allie was around, even if "over there", I wanted to be where other friends could use an ear, etc.).
At my grandfather's viewing, I refused to get close enough to the coffin to see him, because I *knew* that not only wasn't it "him" anymore, he didn't look like him, and I didn't want that memory. Listening to stories, memories, and opinions previously known and unknown were what I wanted... more of him to hold on to, now that he wasn't there. I also had two adorable kids who I was very aware had the most important job of "grief relief" for the relatives... oldest blood great-grandkids, even though there were others of the heart who were older and around. Meant I got to hear even more stories, while the kids kept me busy, and gave sad relatives a reason to smile.
My mom's death was worked through similarly... though between shock (death from cancer two months after an "all clear of cancer diagnosis and celebration" sucks), and the sleep deprivation and adenaline stress of the job, grieving was a *long* process on and off... only *really* sank in over a year later when I no longer had the work-related "stuff" separating me from "real life" going on.
I've been to two wake-type events for people I didn't know nearly as well as I wish I had, and treasure the fact that I learned more about the people I hadn't had the chance to know better because I had been too intimidated by their larger than life personalities until almost too late... but I also dealt with that loss by being there to lend an ear and/or shoulder to those who needed it more (oddly enough, including a fair number of people I didn't know... yeah, people tend to talk to me).
I think that more and more I tend to believe more that people are "still here" as long as one person is alive who can remember about them - not their name, but them... what they were like, connections and thoughts. My mom still has a great effect on many people who knew her when she was alive... her beliefs, actions and personality affect how others think and act even now.
Lori has a similar continued life in my head. She's one of the very few people who I've gotten to know "by mistake"... and I've *always* been glad that "mistake" happened. I haven't *ever* had a month go by when I first volunteered in schools, then worked, then volunteered, then worked in schools that I haven't thought of her at least once, outside of LJ/FB/Faire-stuff. She's one of those who is likely to come to mind every time something I associate with her comes to mind. *Especially* when I see certain lamps :-)
Another friend who died this year comes most to mind when I embroider, see certain pictures, or play with cotton yarn or granny squares.
Then again, the glass tends to be half full... memories of what was, far better than regrets for what can't/won't be. One you can do something with... the other, there's no changing, so what will be will be.. regret, certainly, but life goes on, and while the saying is right that "I'm richer for having had people in my life", their influence on me in one way or another lives on... even when they don't.... so I'm not poorer without them (unlike the saying) ... just with fewer opportunities for further enrichment...