well this is going to be interesting

[wendyzski]

Yeah, this is not fun.

Physically I feel like I've had too much coffee. I'm still mentally foggy and not terribly alert, but that physical slight shakiness/twitchiness you get from caffeine? I've got it and I've not had anything caffeinated since yesterday lunch.

I woke up every 2 hours all night, switching to every 1 as morning approached. I'm also even clumsier than usual - a rather spectacular fall over the bunnygate this morning is going to leave one hell of a bruise.

I also find my attention drifting oddly - switching between hyper-focused (I almost missed my stop because I was engrossed in a book that I'd read before) and awfully vague (I had to be reminded that the light was green and I could cross the street because I was looking at the reflections in the windows of the building down the street.

This is my brain not on drugs. Any questions?
Only a couple more days....

Comments

[ktlovely.livejournal.com]

Stress is crazy, isn't it? Mine sometimes manifests by giving me all the symptoms of a fever...with no fever. I hope you feel more normal soon! :)

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

Well, this is specific to some previous entries. I'm in the middle of a med switch.

I was diagnosed a while back with depression manifesting as anziety. I have issues with sleep disturbances directly related to how well I take care of myself (If I'm short on sleep I have 5 days to get caught up or I will begin waking up 45-60 minutes after going to sleep with major panic attacks). Things have been pretty well under control with 10mg of Paxil per day.

However, recently I realized that I've slowly developed more "classic" symptoms of depression over the past few years. Maybe it's that I've been on the same med for years, maybe some metabolism changes (I'm almost 42) - but raising the Paxil dosage just makes me sleepy.

So I'm in the middle of weaning off the Paxil prior to starting Lexapro. It's a pretty scary thing to do, because it brings back memories of how bad things were before i got properly treated. But I resolved to take that risk because I *want* to feel better.

And I'm writing about this in an open journal because I think too many people are embarrassed about needing medication. So I'm pretty open about my medical issues. Also writing this out helps me self-monitor, and this way if I suddenly have a weird reaction someone will notice and say "hey = you've been acting weird since Tuesday"...

[ktlovely.livejournal.com]

D'oh, I really did read about that, I swear. I'm sorry.

I do find it really admirable that you're so open about it, though.

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

I was actually inspired by another LJer and the way she wrote about her med adventures. I actually started reading her for the funny but stayed around.

So the chance that someone else might learn something from here - win all around.

Except for the part where I have the attention span of a gnat on meth today..

[mustang-bex1126.livejournal.com]

I think she'd be very proud (and because she's a Good Southern Girl) very modest about it. Good for you, and good luck, don't be afraid, because you have people and your doctors looking out for you on this.

[raven-ap-morgan.livejournal.com]

I know what a med switch feels like - I've been through plenty of them over the years, though I'm stable now. But I'm glad that you've chosen to do it, scary and all.

Raven

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

I've felt vaguely "off" all week, but today was the first "O HEY actual physical symptoms!"

I'm thinking of finishing the old med today and then taking my "break" days over the weekend when I don't actually have to deal with people.

[raven-ap-morgan.livejournal.com]

One interesting thing for me has been that if I'm simply experiencing an emotion, it only goes that far. However, if I'm being symptomatic (especially depressed), I both feel it as mood and as a physical manifestation. I've learned to tell the difference enough that I can usually tell whether I'm simply sad vs. depressed (on one side) or happy vs. manic (on the other). Useful stuff.

Good idea to take your break over the weekend, incidentally. I hope things go well for you during that time.

Raven

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

I think my problem is the opposite of yours then.

I have physical sensations triggered by my messed up brain chemistry (sweating and racing pulse for example) but I was *interpreting* them as emotions (panic/fear) because that's what they usually feel like.

Cog/beh therapy helped me head that spiral off - to track it back to "I'm not scared of anything in particular - it's just that my pulse is racing and I'm all sweaty. Let's see if I can figure out what set it off and maybe try to do something about it, like eat something or stretch out and do a breathing exercise" , so it became more of a matter of heading off the physical symptoms, and that's where the medication came in. What SSRIs mostly do for me is smooth down the wheels so that bumps in the track don't totally derail the train.

But this strategy wasn't working when I started to show more "classic" symptoms like lack of energy, social withdrawal, and just plain blehs. That's what prompted me to ask about a med change.

So emotionally, I'm pretty much OK aside from being groggy and irritable. But physically I feel like crap. Oddly enough, caffeine seems to be HELPING with the shakiness. Maybe it's increasing blood flow somewhere in my noggin...

[raven-ap-morgan.livejournal.com]

That's a good analysis of the situation regarding you vs. me. It's pretty much the same mechanisms biochemically in the brain, in all likelihood, but way different manifestations. Different people, different physiologies.

In any case, I'm hoping the new med will be effective for you.

Raven

[eacole72.livejournal.com]

One thing you can hold on to ... It is temporary. You know that once you've weaned yourself off the current/old and are fully clear of it, you can start with something that should help you more than the old was doing. So, the light at the end of the tunnel really should be the end, and not a train heading your way. :)

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

That's pretty much my attitude - yes I feel like poop now, but I know when it will end (and if it really does get too bad I *could* go back on the old med anytime I want). So I know that I'm the one calling the shots on this. Helps immensely.

Thanks!

[jcw-da-dmg.livejournal.com]

Any questions?

What's the capital of Assyria?

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

Depending on what period you're talking about, either Assur or Ninevah.

[jcw-da-dmg.livejournal.com]

Huh - I didn't know that . . . AAAAAAaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

*giggles* I was like "he's gonna be annoyed when he finds out I actually KNOW that..."

Why Am I Not Surprised?

[jcw-da-dmg.livejournal.com]

Naa - I figgered you could've looked it up at some point. It's not like nobody was expecting that question or anything. (looks around, whistles, shuffles feet) . . . or the Spanish Inquisition . . .

Re: Why Am I Not Surprised?

[woody-whistler.livejournal.com]

aH HAAAA! NOBODY expects the !

Sorry...couldn't resist.

[stealthbunny.livejournal.com]

She did! I was in an IM conversation when she posted that and she told me. He's gonna be so annoyed... :)

[countessof-roth.livejournal.com]

I know somewhat how you feel.

I've never been on anxiety meds but I have dealt with the med merry go round with a.d.h.d. and I completely sympathize.