I'm not sure what to feel right now

[wendyzski]

This is going to get deep and require a fair amount of explanation.....



When I was in college, I met a guy at a con.  Said guy was a friend of my then-boyfriend.  Said guy (R) was a long-distance romance who moved here and actually lived illegally with me in my college dorm room, and then we shared what was the dining room in a slumlord apartment with several other people.  In the midst of all of this, we got engaged.  The "stuff happened". 

Said stuff included:

• Two roommates having a physical fight and people skipping out on the rent, leading to my having to take them to ProSe court on my own as a college senior as well as try to keep the rent paid through a series of shorter-term roommates. 
• My parents finishing up a very messy 5-year divorce, while my dad played nasty legal games and was always late in paying for the tuition and living expenses that he was required to pay under the agreement.  I recall buying books that I didn't need and selling them back under the table for cash that I needed.  I also took a job with the college food service because I could pilfer food.
• Our car was rear-ended on the way home from Faire one weekend, and he hit his head.  A few days later, he went into grand mal seizures.  Apparently, he had an abnormal vessel growth in his brain, which may or may not have been aggravated by the accident.  This freaked a lot of people out - I remember specifically that I ended up throwing half of the guests at my 21st birthday party out because the stress was too much for him, they were talking smack about him, and I finally said that anyone who wasn't being helpful should get the hell out.  Dealing with the personality changes as well as the heavy meds took a real toll on our relationship.
• Most of the people in and around the apartment were all on my staff of the NU Film Board, so even when we didn't want to deal with each other, we had to work together.
• During all of this, it shouldn't be a big surprise that I was diagnosed with what was then called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  I barely managed to graduate from college, and while I eventually recovered I still have a compromised immune system.  He met my parents at my graduation, and is in many of my graduation photos.
• When I graduated, I was unable to find much work, so I was dependant on a local food pantry for a time to feed myself and him.  I was also seriously injured and while I was still under my parents' insurance, I was unable to work with 13 stitches in my right arm.  The summer after graduation, we lived on what we made working at Faire on weekends.  He found some work, but not enough to pay bills.  He also took up smoking, and years later I heard that he'd slept with a friend of ours.

R moved back east sometime around 1990, and I sold the engagement ring to pay off some of what he left owing. I never heard from him again.

Until this afternoon.

"I'll keep this short.  You deserve apologies for lots of things I did and I would love to give them.  If you would like to talk/e-mail, please reply.  If you'd prefer not to, then I wish you well and hope you're happy. Sorry it took so long for me to actually say that,"

For more than 20 years, I figured he was dead or something.  I sort of moved on, but I'm pretty sure that my need for independence and control in a relationship stems from this time, as well as a lot of my issues about money and friendship.  Many of them I really never "dealt with" because I didn't have the time or the energy.  There was always something else that needed doing.  When I was in therapy for a time (before we discovered that my depression is primarily chemical in nature), she always wanted to talk about my parents and probably I let her glaze over this area.  I mean, what could I do about it?  It's not like I knew where the hell he was or anything.

I was honest - I replied "It is good to hear from you and that you are well. I'm not sure what else I feel at the moment."

I've had moments of numbness, moments of frustration with myself, and moments of tears.  It's like ripping off the scab to a wound I'd taught myself to ignore.  As long as I could pretend that the box was closed, then I didn't have to actually deal with any of the pain.  I want to weep for the girl I was, before I learned the hard way that there isn't a happy ever after.  I want to figure out how much he actually owed me when he left, and get him to pay it back.  I want to slap him.  I want to ignore it all until it goes away.

I checked out his Facebook page, and we really don't have that much in common any more.  I'm not sure I even like the person he is today - looks like he can be a real asshole at times.  I'm not sure what prompted him, after all these years, to find me and to apologize.  I wonder what he wants.  I wonder why I care what he wants, and why I can't just accept the apology gracefully and move on.  Maybe in some ways I never did move on.

He replied "I can only imagine. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to hold it together after the accident, to accept the patience, love, effort, and generosity of spirit you gave me then (despite how much it cost you emotionally), or even beforehand to be a somewhat worthwhile human being. Not saying that I was evil, just that I wasn't at all an adult or responsible enough to deserve what you gave me.  I'm sorry. Let me know if you'd like to ask any questions, otherwise I'll leave you be"

I don't know what to think anymore.

Comments

[katexxxxxx.livejournal.com]

Difficult...

I can only say what I would try to do in those circumstances:

Tell him Thank You, and accept the apology.
Tell him it has opened old wounds you thought long healed. You need time to think.

Ask him what prompted his contacting you. If he is in therapy, or trying to deal with the past so he can move on, this might be why. It may help you to know. He may be an arsehole at times, but if this helps him clean up his act and be the adult his words sound like he's trying to be, will that help you to move on as well?

I have no answers. You are strong, and can get through this. But just be gentle with yourself for a while.

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

I'm vaguely curious as to what he's up to nowadays, but I definitely need time to let things settle a bit, and to work through some stuff that I clearly never "dealt with" - just sort of stuffed away. Not that I want his input on that process or anything. I suppose in the long run this will be good, but ow ow ow

[katexxxxxx.livejournal.com]

It's a tough call, whatever happens. Sending virtual hot chocolate and cake...

[telaryn.livejournal.com]

It does sound to me like a therapy or twelve step motivated contact.

And jeez Wendy - I think the best any of us could hope for is that we survived that time period and that craziness and moved on into adulthood. You don't owe R anything in the way of contact or absolution; I would only initiate a dialogue with him if you think hearing his apologies or explanations will benefit you in any sort of positive emotional way.

Sounds harsh, but it really isn't your responsibility to make his circumstances better. Not twenty-five years later.

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

That was my thought as well.
It is nice to hear though. Eventually I'll be vaguely curious about what he's doing now, but I mostly wrote that to try and make some sense of what I was feeling

[rebeccafiddler.livejournal.com]

Answering via PM. You might want to F-lock this (as public entries are searchable via Google).

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

I'm not worried about it being searchable, though thanks for the thought

[capi.livejournal.com]

((((( quiet hugs )))))

Wow, Wendy. You should otter write your autobiography.

So hey, it sounds to me like you stuffed all this and still need closure? Just sayin'.

Feel free to discuss with me if you feels like it. *smile* Or not. I trust you. You are teh AWESOME. So hey, trust yourself. Yeah, really!

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

That's what I was thinking - I didn't really "deal" with it at all. It is good to know that he's still alive, and eventually I'll want to know a bit about what he's up to nowadays, but not quite yet. I need to let my mental landscape settle a bit first

[rileybear67.livejournal.com]

I agree with telaryn. Sounds like something a twelve step program might initiate. Not that that is a bad thing.

The ball is in his court. At most, right now, feeling as you are, tell him that you need time to process this and then give yourself time to do it.

If you want to talk or cry or vent or scream to someone F2F, let me know and I'll be there as fast as I can drive. *hugs*

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, that's a tough one. If it was me, I'd be strongly tempted to reply, "so about all the money you still owe me...." but I haven't been successful in getting any of the money owed me by any of the three past roommates whom I've allowed to screw me over for money so my advice is probably of dubious worth at this point.

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

Yeah - $400 would come in handy about now... But I think it might be more trouble than it's worth

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

Good luck, hon. We both need some at this point.

[anotheranon.livejournal.com]

That sounds awkward and messy. I think you're handling it just right, giving yourself time to process.

I think it's also valid if you accept the apology but decline further contact. Sometimes no matter how much someone has changed the past looms too large.

[wendyzski.livejournal.com]

"That sounds awkward and messy. I think you're handling it just right, giving yourself time to process."

That's also why I wrote this out - because it helps to check with people that don't live in my head about stuffs

[bammba-m.livejournal.com]

I know we don't know each other very well, but based on our interactions so far I think you're awesome. So please please please at least feel somewhat awesome. Because you are.

[peachtales.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
Give it time. The answer will come.

[fuzzyscribble.livejournal.com]

I had an old friend/roommate from college find me on Facebook... one who owes me about $1200 for the nervous breakdown she had during college that caused her to drop out... move back home... and punk out on the end of our lease. My reply was... "Lovely to hear from you. Glad you're doing so well. You still owe me $1200.00 for the apartment. Remember that? I had to sell my TV and stereo and half of my CD collection to pay your share of the rent for three months." Somehow her wanting to catch up didn't extend to debts. I didn't want to "Friend" her... because no matter what... there was that baggage there that wasn't going to work itself out... no way... no how until I saw a check in the mail.

Whatever is going on in his life... whether he joined a "12 Step" club... his GF is pregnant... or he's converted to Fundamentalist Zoroastrianism... he was thinking about you and realized he needed to apologize to make "it right." He did it. You can either forgive him... or not.... and tell him... or not... but rarely does rekindling old relationships work out well.... especially if there's a "balance owed" emotional... or monetary. But it has given you the opportunity for closure... and that's usually a good thing to have.

[countessof-roth.livejournal.com]

I think you should know, that I, personally think that you are an amazing person for supporting him so much then. You went above and beyond love. <3 Especially dealing with you being physically not well too.

I'd not bother keeping contact if its that painful.