I'm not sure what to feel right now

[wendyzski]

This is going to get deep and require a fair amount of explanation.....



When I was in college, I met a guy at a con.  Said guy was a friend of my then-boyfriend.  Said guy (R) was a long-distance romance who moved here and actually lived illegally with me in my college dorm room, and then we shared what was the dining room in a slumlord apartment with several other people.  In the midst of all of this, we got engaged.  The "stuff happened". 

Said stuff included:

• Two roommates having a physical fight and people skipping out on the rent, leading to my having to take them to ProSe court on my own as a college senior as well as try to keep the rent paid through a series of shorter-term roommates. 
• My parents finishing up a very messy 5-year divorce, while my dad played nasty legal games and was always late in paying for the tuition and living expenses that he was required to pay under the agreement.  I recall buying books that I didn't need and selling them back under the table for cash that I needed.  I also took a job with the college food service because I could pilfer food.
• Our car was rear-ended on the way home from Faire one weekend, and he hit his head.  A few days later, he went into grand mal seizures.  Apparently, he had an abnormal vessel growth in his brain, which may or may not have been aggravated by the accident.  This freaked a lot of people out - I remember specifically that I ended up throwing half of the guests at my 21st birthday party out because the stress was too much for him, they were talking smack about him, and I finally said that anyone who wasn't being helpful should get the hell out.  Dealing with the personality changes as well as the heavy meds took a real toll on our relationship.
• Most of the people in and around the apartment were all on my staff of the NU Film Board, so even when we didn't want to deal with each other, we had to work together.
• During all of this, it shouldn't be a big surprise that I was diagnosed with what was then called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  I barely managed to graduate from college, and while I eventually recovered I still have a compromised immune system.  He met my parents at my graduation, and is in many of my graduation photos.
• When I graduated, I was unable to find much work, so I was dependant on a local food pantry for a time to feed myself and him.  I was also seriously injured and while I was still under my parents' insurance, I was unable to work with 13 stitches in my right arm.  The summer after graduation, we lived on what we made working at Faire on weekends.  He found some work, but not enough to pay bills.  He also took up smoking, and years later I heard that he'd slept with a friend of ours.

R moved back east sometime around 1990, and I sold the engagement ring to pay off some of what he left owing. I never heard from him again.

Until this afternoon.

"I'll keep this short.  You deserve apologies for lots of things I did and I would love to give them.  If you would like to talk/e-mail, please reply.  If you'd prefer not to, then I wish you well and hope you're happy. Sorry it took so long for me to actually say that,"

For more than 20 years, I figured he was dead or something.  I sort of moved on, but I'm pretty sure that my need for independence and control in a relationship stems from this time, as well as a lot of my issues about money and friendship.  Many of them I really never "dealt with" because I didn't have the time or the energy.  There was always something else that needed doing.  When I was in therapy for a time (before we discovered that my depression is primarily chemical in nature), she always wanted to talk about my parents and probably I let her glaze over this area.  I mean, what could I do about it?  It's not like I knew where the hell he was or anything.

I was honest - I replied "It is good to hear from you and that you are well. I'm not sure what else I feel at the moment."

I've had moments of numbness, moments of frustration with myself, and moments of tears.  It's like ripping off the scab to a wound I'd taught myself to ignore.  As long as I could pretend that the box was closed, then I didn't have to actually deal with any of the pain.  I want to weep for the girl I was, before I learned the hard way that there isn't a happy ever after.  I want to figure out how much he actually owed me when he left, and get him to pay it back.  I want to slap him.  I want to ignore it all until it goes away.

I checked out his Facebook page, and we really don't have that much in common any more.  I'm not sure I even like the person he is today - looks like he can be a real asshole at times.  I'm not sure what prompted him, after all these years, to find me and to apologize.  I wonder what he wants.  I wonder why I care what he wants, and why I can't just accept the apology gracefully and move on.  Maybe in some ways I never did move on.

He replied "I can only imagine. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to hold it together after the accident, to accept the patience, love, effort, and generosity of spirit you gave me then (despite how much it cost you emotionally), or even beforehand to be a somewhat worthwhile human being. Not saying that I was evil, just that I wasn't at all an adult or responsible enough to deserve what you gave me.  I'm sorry. Let me know if you'd like to ask any questions, otherwise I'll leave you be"

I don't know what to think anymore.

Comments

[peachtales.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
Give it time. The answer will come.